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Dangerous Language Series – The possessive pronoun.
Published on Wednesday, July 1, 2009 by KarlSome of you may be aware of my personal war with the possessive pronoun. There are numerous reasons for my severe lack of appreciation. The most forthcoming being that I think of possession in general as an illusion perpetuated by society. I find it absurd to think that possession is a natural thing; do you think for example that the universe cares whether you believe that a group (and by that I mean a grouping of billions) of atoms ‘belongs’ to you? Anyway, I digress.
This note is written specifically to address the use of the possessive pronoun in referral to people (’my wife’, ‘my husband’, etc), and the behavior it inherently breeds in humans.
My theory is rather simple: ‘Allowing people to refer to someone as belonging to them in any way makes it subconsciously acceptable for them to treat that person as a possession.’
Thus objectifying the individual. To me this is demeaning. And I have to wonder just how far the effects of this could be reaching. Domestic violence? Crimes of passion? Overly possessive and jealous behavior?
Quite a big accusation for such an innocent turn of phrase right? Or is it? The more I think about this the more I see the effects everywhere.
In an effort to purify my life somewhat, I decided to stop referring to people this way (at least during thought). The difficulty arises when trying to find a suitable english alternative. People I have spoken to about this theory usually respond with the following:
‘If I don’t refer to him as “my husband”, how should I express it?’
I usually respond with something along the lines of ‘The man I love’. I think our language is severely lacking in what I like to call ‘the relationship indicator particle’.
An enlightened, and possibly synthetic (or emergent) language would allow for much easier use of explaining something ‘in relationship’ to yourself, rather than ‘as possessed by’. Think of all the misunderstandings that arise between men and women over the whole ‘girlfriend/boyfriend tag’, not to mention the natural feeling of entrapment that labeling yourself as a possession of another subconsciously expresses.
Thats my thought for the day. Look forward to hearing your opinions!
Karlo
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3 comments…. (1) the possessive pronoun has always been a major peeve of mine too… in terms of illness. How much more powerful is cancer if it is “my cancer”… “his cancer”… “her cancer”…. the thought is horrendous.
(2) true, it’s hard to avoid using possessive language in terms of a relationship… that said, I put forward the term “my partner” as it suggests equality.
(3) i realise this may be a touch esoteric, but to use the term “me” when referring to your inner spirit, and “my arm” or “my leg” when talking about your body, is fairly good evidence of reincarnation… our bodies are simply possessions… we rent them and drive them like a truck driver drives a truck… and refer to body parts in possessive language… am i making sense? My parents created “my body” but they didn’t create “me”….
i agree…and disagree…
i mean, sometimes it’s nice to ‘belong’ not in the sense of going to extremes such as domestic violence or crimes of passion at all…but in the sense of knowing that someone does actually feel the…emotion (I’ll call it that) to want you to be ‘theirs’ … it does sometimes have the effect of being treated as a possession, but i don’t think thats the case in all contexts… If you can eradicate all feelings of jealousy (which i believe is where all the confusion and difficulties start) and you can believe in yourself enough not to become an object or possession then whats the issue with being someones ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend… it’s not necessarily a derogatory or demeaning it only is if you allow it to be or allow yourself to be treated in such a sense…
this ofc only looks at the aspect of relationships, i think if you go further and look into actual objects etc it gets more tricky to analyse…
Kerri: How beautiful! I have a few comments:
(2) I think that workaround is fantastic – although you have to doubt the logic of having to ‘cancel out’ one with the other. But still, a very, very, valuable contribution!
(3) This is just fantastic. The phrase, ‘my parents created my body, but they didn’t create me’ strikes a chord with me. Of course I would never discredit the input, and/or contribution my parents made to ‘my consciousness’ (or ‘me’). Our bodies are vessel’s, our brains harbor our sentience. I hope that one day technology frees us from this, as the aging and death of an individual represents a tremendous waste of wisdom. I think I will follow this up in another note in the future as I am veering off topic now.
Rose: You seem to be approaching this from the receiving end, although correct me if I’m wrong. But you seem to be indicating that sometimes its nice to ‘allow’ someone to possess you, as long as you don’t allow yourself to become a possession? I am expressing that the danger lies in the possessing itself. Does this make sense?
i get what your saying i do…the fact that being a possession when you shouldn’t allow yourself to be that, you should be your own person and not be ’someones’ to whom you belong and to who in a way controls what you do and how you think, i didn’t mean so much as in a relationship in a ‘love’ way so much with that, more to be someones friend…its nice to have that…though i suppose the nicety is in that you have a friend…not the naming of it being ‘your’ friend…
to just be with someone, or to have an emotional and or physical relationship is more what it is i suppose…but i can’t think of a quick way to sum that up without using a possessive…
i know you can only ever really exist, you don’t even ‘belong’ to yourself in the society we live as we conform to rules, and even these encase us to be a possession whether we like it or not…
Maybe what it boils down to is “whatever empowers you is the right thing”… there are many people who are empowered by the feeling that their spouse owns them… they would be lost any other way… some people never move past this… i think possibly it springs from the idea that parents own their children… but wow Karl you’ve sure hit the nail on the head, I hadn’t noticed all the “be mine” talk that goes on until now
My baby, my darling, i’ll be yours forever… is it human nature to feel this way or is it entirely a language issue? Hmmmmm.
i think language has played a huge part…
but this language has been sort of created through this ideal that every person should find that ’someone’ to love and cherish and be with forever…marriage vows for example…full of the ‘possessive’ language…
its all over…tv shows, films, magazines even adverts…lovematch.com etc…they’re telling you the way to be happy is to be with someone…
the statistics of divorcees and domestic violence only show how this isn’t the case, that finding that ‘one’ is going to assure you happiness…
but some people find comfort in that…it works for some people to have that someone to be there for them, and thats fair enough…it’s a choice i suppose….but one thats heavily reinforced by what we see practically everywhere…
I’m not sure if this is entirely relevant; but this phrase springs to mind:
‘Enjoy without expectation, nurture without possession’ – I can’t remember whether these are my words, if they are they are undoubtedly inspired by the Tao Te Ching. I like to think that you can love something without having to own it.
people expect monogamy from their partners through a feeling of ownership and being owned…
I tend to wonder how men who go around saying stuff along the lines of “Oh, this is my woman” don’t get clobbered by said women on a daily basis ^^;
I’ll tell you whats more demeaning than the possessive, is the word that follows…as Dominic says above…i hate the term ‘my woman’ but to do with the ‘woman’ part… wench is also another one i hate…and yes i do know someone who refers to the other person in their relationship as ‘wench’ … I think depending on how it’s said ‘my girl’ is quite a nice term… saying that anything said in a barnsley accent is horrible anyway :/
Rose, I can’t believe you know someone who actually says ‘wench’. I really feel for you :/
i know…i mean it comes down to connotations really, i mean if you say ‘my woman’ or ‘my missus’ or anything like and (i know there are much worse ones) but if a man says these the connotations (or at least to me) are sort of negative, whereas if a woman says ‘my man’ or ‘my mr’ i kind of feel it gives a positive connotation to the man as her protector kind of things…whereas ‘woman’ makes me think of the womans stereo typical role… i don’t know if thats just me being sexist :p but you know, it’s when they’res people walking around saying ‘my piece’ and ‘my bit on the side’ then its just getting a bit silly and rude really :/
I agree with your concept and that English language terms can be misconstrued and interpreted in a negative way. Today’s society of the “Marketing Personality” has jumped on the proverbial language bandwagon and assaulted our senses with an incessant barrage of possessive language. For example already mentioned in the above comments, magazines, TV, adverts and this is because it works, and why? Because it is in our nature and then, hugely exploited by large companies to make profits. The problem really lies with where partnership ends and possession begins and the individual’s interpretation of this point.
Human nature is to be part of a pack and to form bonds, vocalising these bonds creates the issues you are discussing but where does the inherent human nature of belonging turn to possession?
Ultimately, regardless of who vocalizes possession in language terms, the “possessed” has to allow the “possessor” to reach this position within the relationship…
The terms “my wife”, “my husband” or “my child” have many positive connotations as well as negative and it is really down to the individual, or indeed, group ideals and beliefs of basic human nature itself, as to which camp they fall into. I agree that vocalizing bonds in possessive terms can lead to possessive behavior but would people behave in this way regardless of how relationships were vocalized?
I think changing how you describe your partnerships may be a positive step to clarification of feelings within a situation, but also trying to beat possessiveness from the simple human psyche with a sight language change is a little ambitious.
Everyone feels the need to be wanted and to “belong”, ensuring this does not turn into possessive behavior in regards to any relationship (friendship, business, marriage, family), the individuals would have to keep their behavioral actions and emotions in check, as well as language, as these can all be misconstrued by the receiving party as “possessive” behavior. As well, choosing to act in certain ways or wanting to act in certain ways due to the connotations and feelings of a relationship is an offshoot of this. Is one way of action more “possessive” than the other?
Do I win a prize for longest comment?
Almost lol!
I agree with you on the most part. Especially when you say that ‘changing’ behavior with language is ambitious. Once the behavioral patterns are established they are very hard to break. And it usually takes some kind of trauma, or extreme emotional response to even change them slightly. I was suggesting that had the individual not been party to this sort of language in the first place, they would not have formed these behavioral patterns. I’m not saying there aren’t ways – take the drink driving campaign for example. A very effective way to change behavior is to make it socially unacceptable. Of course, brainwashing people in this way is somewhat contrary to my general philosophy… I wouldn’t dream of forcing people to behave in a certain way. Rather to present an argument that inspires people to think about the ways they behave.
AHHH, then I agree completely. If you were taking a human and bringing it up in a society devoid of previous human behavioral attachments to language, behavior etc. in a non family environment with no interaction with anyone “polluted” with said behavioral and emotional patterns then it definitely would be effective. Like you say this is somewhat unlikely to happen and brainwashing (lol) could work but society has been built on these bonds and behaviors and it would take a lot to destroy them. The majority of all animals are “possessive” to a degree, mainly for survival of the species. Humans can be objective (usually) about their behaviour and then make changes but they would have to be asserted and regulated by the individual and again open to be misconstrued by fellow humans.
Also, I have to disagree with your method of making it socially unacceptable. Humans are a deviant bunch (thanks nature) and would just do it anyway. For example, the drink driving campaign…
I’m in danger of veering slightly off topic now (societal evolution). Certainly in the current society, I agree. Still, I can’t help but feel that your comment smells of defeatism. Are you of the opinion that we are beyond any kind of improvement, however slight? Or that more needs to be done?
the majority of human beings however aren’t willing to change…most are quite happy settled in their ways, especially when they’ve been brought up that way…they aren’t interested in changing their lifestyles even if its beneficial to them, the drinking campaigns may have been successful in certain areas but you can gaureentee that if you go out on whatever night, there will still be a lot of people especially young kids who are wasted and wake up the next morning thinking its totally cool that they cant remember what happened the night before…its dangerous but they don’t care… so as for changing language that may or may not be potentially dangerous, i dont think anyone would have a chance…not even a highly influential figure ….
i dont really know where I’m going with this but yeah thats what i wanted to say :p
More needs to be done, on a larger scale. This would prevent behavior being misconstrued by all parties and also tackle other “problems” with human nature; deviant behavior, greediness etc. Sorry for the diversion but I think it is all relevant. Social evolution is surely the whole purpose behind the topic in the first place? Or at least improvement?
Indeed it is, but I had planned to attack it in much smaller chunks spread out over time
To me, in the grand scheme of things. The current system will fail at some point in the near future. My idea’s on dangerous language are part of a larger societal change that I endorse (the Venus Project if anyone is interested). In our current environment I can’t see the topic of this note making an impact on society in the slightest. But it might succeed in reaching out to people like yourselves who would be more that way inclined. But as part of a wider societal change; language has a massive importance.
language always does have an importance but in someway but there would have to be some way of getting the whole of the english language to mean the same throughout the whole country and other countries aswell…it’s confusing enough for us as the native speaker never mind for others learning…the variations that exist across our language as so large and its taken us hundreds of years to get here as it is….the amount of times words have changed meaning over the years is unreal in itself.
Well, the thought of refering to Gavin as ‘The man I love’ is certainly interesting, but also utterly awful. Whilst he is, without doubt, ‘the man I love’ I’m not sure why I just wouldn’t refer to him as Gavin, it might induce less people to marginally vomity feelings… Not that I have anything against ‘my’ in the overall. Ultimately I’d have to agree with Emily that the positive associations of possessive pronouns, are equal to, if not greater than their possible ‘dangers’. My Children for example. I don’t own them, they are their own people, with their own sense of self, their own way of doing things and their own view of life. The ‘my’ indicates not ownership, but responsibility, joy, love, pride, wonder…
It is interesting how people see things, though.